


Fives

by Missy



Category: Sealab 2021
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, World Domination, five things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-29
Updated: 2014-07-29
Packaged: 2018-02-10 23:13:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2043855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Missy/pseuds/Missy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sparks could have ruled the world. Trust him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fives

**Author's Note:**

> Written for SmallFandomsFest in '14.

1: The Stimutacs project was wildly successful. TOO wildly successful. 

The lack of fugu fish had caused its problems, but he’d figured a way around that. He’d even anticipated the giant octopus uprising and had contained it before it had consumed the addicted remaining ravages of humanity. The profits had rolled thickly in until finally the unthinkable happened.

The FDA approved his formula, declaring it a perfect diet supplement. 

Synthetics flooded the market within hours of the announcement, leaving Sparks thousands of dollars in debt with a gold plated wheelchair that was too heavy for him to push. As the repo men stormed his diamond-encrusted French castle, he took comfort in the presence of Timat. At least he’d have company in prison.

2: Murphy could be brilliant sometimes. Sure, fifty percent of what he tended to say was total garbage, but Sparks had learned to sift the garbage from the best of his ideas and then use them to his advantage.

This golden nugget of knowledge this time was the following, ranted out over breakfast: ‘The world would be better off being run by highly intelligent sign-language speaking apes!’ 

Sparks lost four weeks learning American Sign Language, only to learn that the apes he’d ordered from a black market breeder all spoke Finnish. After weeks of frustration and a pointless conversation with various people who worked in the mess hall, Sparks shrugged and cut his losses by letting all twelve gorillas loose in the dolphin pool, where Debbie soon turned them into the first all-Finnish-speaking Ape Bikini Team.

They made quite a sight water skiing on the dolphin pool. And they hadn’t even tried to eat their fellow water-bound brethren. 

3: It was pure genius. All he’d have to do was jam the broadcasting signal for the world television premier of Tinfins, reverse-engineer the audio for the Grizzlebees commercial, then sit back as the sweet, sweet brainwashed rewards rolled in.

His first mistake had been trusting in Stormy to deliver the right audio to the satellite input. Of course he screwed up. Sparks just hadn’t counted on the audio being patched and replaced by an ominous mixtape of backmasked choral chanting left behind on the ship by a thousand year old voodoo priest (who had a longstanding thing going with Veerjay – it was a long story better told in another time and place). The end result was an entire planet filled with roaming, half-starved and zombified Grizzlebees customers, a group of hopeless souls left wandering the planet in desperate pursuit of affordable family dining that featured deep-fried brain blossoms. 

While they roamed the earth and munched anything that came close to resembling an onion blossom, Sparks rushed about trying to cover his tracks. He’d figured out how to use the reactor core to burn paper, a damnably hard thing under the sea, but most of his creative editing was eagerly exposed by Quinn. As usual, the good doctor used the little incident to jockey for a patch of moral high ground to grandstand upon, and as usual Sparks ignored him until his stupid morals tripped him up, got between him and his goals. Then he fed Quinn to the zombies. 

The zombies were such a ravenous but ubiquitous presence that Sparks got the best of both worlds; the satisfaction of being one of the last men on earth and thus receiving a bumper crop of sex from the hottest women on the planet for “breeding purposes” and having the superior pride of knowing that every single zombie was his accidental creation.

Too bad he made the mistake of identifying himself as the creator of the species, the grandfather of the zombie invasion. They cast him out among his children; and instead of welcoming him as their superior, they ate him, picking their teeth with his bright white bones.

4: They found the nuclear weapon buried under an abandoned sub deep in the heart of the Black Sea. Sparks saw nothing but dollar signs as they hauled it back home; he could imagine holding it like a sword over the heads of the American and Russian governments. Finally he’d have true power, true strength at his demand. The world would fall shrieking, cowering to Spark’s feet!

He spent years studying his accidental boon, trying to figure out the best time at which to reveal himself as their supreme overload and ruler. Whenever Marco started spouting platitudes, he considered nuking them all; whenever Debbie flashed her milk cans for the forty millionth time he considered throwing himself on the red tip of the harbinger of death. Then Quinn would blurt out a speech, or Murphy would do something ridiculous, or Stormy would hurt himself doing something wonderfully stupid, and he would grow distracted and forget about his ace in the hole. He figured he might be forgiven for that; it was easy to misremember all about your plans in a place like Sealab, anyway, with its haphazard insistence on being the most ridiculous place in the universe.

But finally – by some sort of strange miracle, Sparks finds the perfect opportunity to use his bomb for leverage. It’s during a Presidential visit, while the dude’s doing a presser down in Pod 9. He uses a voice digitizer and a black cloak and hovers menacingly over the speaker, demanding thousands of dollars in trade for the lives of millions.

The president actually turns him down – because, he finds out later, it’s not an election year. So there he is, with his pants down, his dick in his hand, and a bomb he has no idea how to get rid of. So he shrugs and uses it as a coatrack.

Stormy trips against it, knocks it over and it’s lights out.

5: He coulda been a politician. He could’ve gone for poli sci instead of becoming a damn tech advisor. He might have found himself in the Clinton administration’s cabinet. He could have led from behind, quietly influencing policy, nudging and pushing and pulling the entire administration toward the future. 

He could have eventually manipulated the president to take a nice, quiet vacation…on an island where he would accidentally be assassinated alongside the vice president. 

And then Sparks would be inaugurated by default, leading America into an age of total industrial supremacy.

In some world, that happened.

The idea helps him sleep better at night.

**Author's Note:**

> This fanfiction uses characters from **Sealab2021** , all of whom are the property of the **Cartoon Network**. No money was gained from the writing of this fanfiction and all are used under the strictures of of the Berne Convention.


End file.
